I identify as a boy. To me, “boy” is my gender and has no reference to age whatsoever. But I also identify as a guy, dude, and trans*. I don’t identify on the gender binary, though I think of myself leaning much closer to “man” than “woman.”
See, me, I’m not your average transguy. I didn’t know I was trans* when I was three or four years old, I still am not out to everyone in my life and not sure that I want to be, I don’t always want to “pass” nor do I try very hard to do so, and perhaps most importantly (with regards to my story as a non-op/non-ho transguy), I never felt like I was in the wrong body.
Do I hate my body? Not really. Do I wish it was different? Sure, it’d be nice to not have bad acne and I wish I had a more defined jawline and maybe a stronger suggestion of an Adam’s apple, but overall, I’m not too upset about the way I am. I guess my point is, I am pretty sure I would have just as much of a struggle with gender if I had what’s more typically viewed as your average, cisgender “male body.” Note that, as someone who identifies as a guy, I believe that my body is a guy’s body.
I bind sometimes and sure I’m not happy with the chest I have, but I don’t know …
I don’t envision myself pursuing any sort of medical transition. If I had the choice of getting hormones, I wouldn’t. If I could, I’d elect just a few things I’d want to change, like if there were a checklist that I could pick my changes, that’d be marvelous. But there’s not. And I don’t want everything to change. I don’t want girl parts “down there” but I also don’t want guy parts “down there.” I just wish that part of the body didn’t exist. As I’m writing this, I’m beginning to realize that I’m not really sure why I don’t think of pursuing top surgery. I guess it’s because I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to tell family but I think it’s also because my opinion on whether or not I want top surgery changes daily or so, and so I’m not a good candidate to get surgery, because I don’t want to wake up one day and realize that even though I don’t like them, per se, I don’t know that I want them gone. Their absence, just as their presence, would still bind (yes, pun most definitely intended) me to a gender. I don’t want any medical intervention on my body because I don’t believe that I need to change and I don’t want my gender to be something that is diagnosed. While I do have dysphoria for sure and sometimes it is really strong and it’s not easy identifying as a transgender individual (especially living in the closet half the time), sometimes I think gender can be kind of fun.
I’ve yet to find another person like me. I’m not saying that to sound self-righteous or to garner pity, but it’s true. I don’t know anyone who identifies as transgender and is steadfast in not intending to be on hormones or get surgery ever. I don’t know anyone else like that. And, put quite simply, it can be pretty darn lonely. It’s not easy asking people to call me my preferred name and use my preferred gender pronouns (which are male, if you’re just wonderfully curious) because I look, sound, and am read as a female.
Whenever I think of the future, it kind of weirds me out. I think of myself having a job, of course, but I don’t know if I’m out in the workforce as a woman or a man or just a person and that seems stressful.
For me, I don’t identify as genderqueer even though I have no prospect or hopes of having surgery or getting hormones. I identify as transgender. I feel like I’m ranting, but I’m not sure how else to talk about this because I feel like there’s painfully little information out there regarding people who don’t have any plans on medically transitioning. Usually I’m okay with myself like this, but sometimes…well, sometimes it can be pretty darn lonely.
While I feel quite wary to share my story, my hope is that someone will find this and find some solace and comfort knowing that they’re not alone. I want this to be something someone will take interest in and appreciate finding because it’s ridiculous just how scarce information is about people not “transitioning” (in the typical sense of hormones and surgery, or even in the “natural” sense of getting supplements). I know to many people, my transition is not a transition at all and it is not valid. But, seeing as I’ve progressed from where I used to be, I call it a transition. My journey is not any less true than someone who decides to have medical intervention (and yes, I do understand for some people it is a matter of life and death, going on hormones/having surgery). I think any and all journeys are okay. If you’re a trans* individual not doing the typical transition, I hope you know that you’re not alone, and that I’m on this road with you. And for all the loved ones of trans* individuals who are not doing the typical transition and find this site, I hope you can get an understanding about gender identity and how things aren’t necessarily the way they seem to be (my voice, for example, is never mistaken to be a “guy’s voice”).
Lastly, though it can be lonely and a tough road dealing with dysphoria and not being read right and other such issues, there are triumphs along the way. You will find out who your real friends are. It’s cheesy for me to say that. But there are people that will look at you and genuinely see you for how you want to be seen and refer to you using the name/pronouns that you prefer, regardless of how your body is labeled by society’s expectations. Please, just know you’re not alone in this fight. And keep going, you can do it…I know you can.
With understanding and true appreciation,
“El Gender, James” (name changed for reasons of safety, confidentiality)
If you’d like to reach me, feel free to email me at: mygenderisjames@gmail.com